the fairytale life does exist, that's why it sucks so much when you don't have it.

Hey, void. I don't really have anything useful to report. Things aren't particularly fixable here at the moment, in many many ways beyond anyone's control, so the hopelessness blues have set in like a wildly contagious flu. (hopelessness blues should be fleet foxes' sequel to helplessness blues...)

For me, it's preying on all of the underlying insecurities I try to caffeine away every day. How I haven't accomplished a single aspiration on my own. How, because of this, I've severely let my childhood self down. How if I ever jumped back in time and told her how unavailable, unsuccessful, and alone she would one day be, she would go crying back into my mother's womb.

I think it just all around sucks when your life is nothing like what you wanted it to be. It sucks even more, though, when everyone else you know has that life. They did it. And I am fully aware of and understand the whole "everything is not as it appears" "don't compare yourself to the highlight reel" bullshit, but even if that's the case, at least other people get to have a secret shitty life behind a shiny, respectable facade. Mine is just shameful and gross on the outside and the inside. There's no hiding this failure. There's no highlight reel for me. I've got nothing going on and nothing to show instead of the nothing so I just became the nothing as far as anyone who once maybe cared is concerned.

Clearly, I did something wrong. My worst fear has been slowly, painstakingly coming true my entire life: I really am so inherently fucked up, so ontologically fucked up as the UChicagoans loved to say, that acquiring literally a single one of my generic childhood dreams couldn't happen. And my failure isn't even relatable. I think that's what hurts the worst. No one can relate to me. No, I can't relate to anyone. And because of that un-relatability curse, an extra ontological failing, no one will ever see me. No one ever has. They can't.

At least I don't cry about it anymore. I used to cry a lot. I trained myself to stop. Like literally, when I was 14 I kept up a journal with techniques and methods to not cry anymore because I hated how weak it made me look and I was tired of looking weak and now I don't cry but I still look weak because I kind of just am.

This is the most useless, rambling, self-deprecating blog no one will ever read but me. Good lort I hope only you read this one... The point is, though, not having that fairytale you were conditioned to want, then conditioned to un-want, but since you were first conditioned to want it you can't get rid of the original want, is devastating when everyone else in your teeny tiny solar system is living that very fairytale. They all went out there and locked in at least a few of the valuable parts. A partner. A pet. A job. A home. A group of friends.

Relatability. I don't think that one's even something you can acquire. You just have it or you don't. And I definitely don't. I mean I can relate to people in surface-level, superficial ways but not in any of the ways that matter. Not in any of the ways that make you feel less alone in this fucking vacuum of a universe. It's because of my ontologically fucked up nature, I think. I am incapable of forging deep human connections—that lovely I see you, you see me type—with 99% of the population. My failure to be able to relate to others is what always breaks my heart in the end, too.

Sometimes I can fake it. Laugh at the right times. Say the right things when I'm supposed to. I just can't do it for prolonged periods. And once the actual self inevitably starts poking its unrelatable head through everyone gets uncomfortable, including me, so no one is actually all that upset when either I ghost them or they ghost me. This goes for employers, friends, potential partners, family... There is something inside me that is so detached and weird that even the detached and weird can't understand it. There is no fairytale life for people like me. I am a very unexceptional exception.

Again, this is a really pointless, whiny entry, but I promised myself I'd keep to an "every weekday" schedule and I really want to follow through on something for once. Thank glorb no one is reading these. I'll even skip out on the SEO assistant crap just for safe-keeping.

Until next time, idiot.